loraboracora

Thursday, June 05, 2008

shit

no matter how much i try not to be bitter, i still succumb to the feeling.

no matter how much i dont want to get mad, i still do.

though you have to give me snaps for trying not to these past few days..

Sa totoo lang ayoko na mainis, or magalit. Because it hurts. Parang laging may nagpipierce sa puso ko everytime na nafefeel ko to.

ayoko rin magsawa ka. ayoko ko din magsawa ako.

why do i feel na kaya mo na ko ipagpalit sa iba? the little things that you do and dont do. the little things you used to do. shit. i dont want to think about it.

I guess im just being paranoid.
im being paranoid. im being paranoid. im being paranoid.

putangena. i hate this feeling.

HaZeLeYe_LoVeL @ Thursday, June 05, 2008
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Thursday, May 22, 2008

Confessions of a First Time Girlfriend : affirmation, insecurities and all that jazz

So this is how it feels to have a boyfriend.

To all NBSP girls out there, remember how your committed girls tell you about having a boyfriend is a mixture of "work and pleasure"? They were right.

Dont get me wrong. I love my boyfriend to death. Every heartache that Ive been through - it was all worth it. He was worth the wait. Sobra. And i would go through it all over again, basta be siya yung nasa ending.

Im no expert on this, but let me just share with whoever's gonna read this blog about what Ive gone through from being the girl friend to being a girlfriend.

One big thing? TIME. Before, I had all the time i could spend for work, for myself and for my friends. I have so much time, na minsan, i dont have anything to do with it. Bakante. But now, I have to manage my time for eveything. Not that I feel compelled to have time for him. If anything, kung pwede lang the whole day kame magkasama, why not? Better! But then again, i cant eb with him 24/7. I have to give time for family, friends and work. No big fight yet regarding time. We just talk about it na lang, i let him know if pwede ba kame magkita or not. May konting tampuhan, but other than that, ok naman,

Then there's the "ex" issue. I would have to admit na my guy's kinda famous with the ladies. Especially with his background: a college basketball player (tangkad!), Best Thesis awardee (smart!), laking Australia, nice bod, good smile, mabango, you get the picture.

Anyway, he "dated" better looking girls. One of which he dated for a little less than two years, and whom he loved so much and another of which already posed for FHM, and does modelling stints. So you see, you cant blame me if i feel insecure, especially after seeing their faces on his "who's viewed me" on friendster.

Ever since we got together Ive been getting bigger and bigger. from 100 lbs, i now weigh close to 120. Oh God. I really have to diet.. or die.

The solution to this one? Affirmation. Yes, girls need to be affirmed all the time. A simple "you look good today" would do. Just dont say it everyday, di na maniniwala sayo yun. Basta let her feel she's beautiful kahit na her new haircut made her look like siopao. Hahahaha.

Issue number three would have to be the parents. I belong to an uberly conservative family, where guys have to ask permission to my parents all the time. Kung may kakahuyan lang dito samin, magpapasibak na rin sila ng kahoy eh. I havent solved this one problem, but Ive talked to him about it and he's cool. We'll just have to wait til my dad gets back here. yiiii.

I know we still have far to go. And a lot of crying and laughing will still happen. Pero ok lang. Let it all come. We're in this together. :P

P.S. I know he wont be able to read this anyway, and i dont intend to. But anyway, I love you love. I love you so much i had to write about us here. hahaha. . *Kith* more to come.

HaZeLeYe_LoVeL @ Thursday, May 22, 2008
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Sunday, December 30, 2007

the 2007 recap

talk about blog hiatus!

actually, ive never been gone, i just so happened to enjoy the features and services in another site, though ive not blogged as regularly as before.

anyway, in lieu of the tradition of blog recap, here's my 2007 version of THE YEAR THAT WAS!

january - working on my madapaking thesis! a lot of crying was involved! i believe ito ung period that i wasnt able to go home to cavie for two whole months! mom and dana visited me a couple of times, and broke down when they left. as in! parang telenovela! ewww!! hahahah! mahirap talaha my thesis, but obviously, i passed!

february - getting ready for the big defense! and at the same time applying for the adboard-hosted ADUKASYON! didnt turn out the way i (and friends) expected (thesis) but hey, i was highly commended, so cool!

march - todo bonding with blockmates and MG! shempre, last few weeks before graduation! damn! i miss college! was also able to pass ADUKASYON along with 40 other students. matinding screening ang ginawa ng Advertising Board of th Philippines for this one. march weekends were spent at the Ateneo Grad School for this. information overload na nga eh! hahaha! we shoot our tvc, produced our print and radio(?) ads for our revalida, unfortunately we didnt win, pero my team is definitely one of the best!

april - started working as product development trainee sa GMA, had a crush on my boss (sir anton! yiheee!) met really cool people from concept and creatives! wish i could go back there -- then again, maybe not! :).. ymon left for italy. :( i miss u, bru!

may - finished my work with GMA. started applying for other jobs, and losing my fone in the process. shex left for the states. :(

june - started work with Flying V. crazy, stressful, exciting work. Kuya adropped the bomb : he was going to be a dad!

july - still working my ass off. handles my very first event - solo! Anna Rose's debut at Blu Roz Farm in Batangas! it was a success!

august - had a string of OOT (out of town) jobs. from Laguna to Jalajala to Bulacan. enjoyed work for the first time!

September - bought new fone. was already starting to feel the drag of work.

october - filed for my first resignation. bidding.

november - wasnt convinced with the bidding, so filed for my 2nd resignation. and started working with Sta Lucia MArketing (Orchard) by mid month. was officially TITA LOVEL! MICO MOUSE born nov 13, 2007!

december - starting to seriously consider wrking in singapore. man, i have to find a job id love REALLY REALLY SOON!!!

a lot of people are saying that the year 2007 was one of the toughest year they've had. at my first work, my boss was constatnly compalining about sales going down (same goes with my second job). parang lumipad lang ang 2007. oh well, hopefully the year 2008 would be better!@ HAppy New YEar everyone!

HaZeLeYe_LoVeL @ Sunday, December 30, 2007
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Saturday, November 03, 2007

old flame

Since no one i know is visiting this blog anyways, ive decided to post this entry from my secret blog (if you're smart, its not gonna be so secret anymore, how? go figure)

this is one of the best "epiphany blog" ive written so far (yes, i am biased, guess why)

i withheld several lines and info, since its supposed to be from my secret blog. anyway, read on. i wrote this a couple of years ago.

JLE

i was hanging with old buddies from highschool the other day, and as usual, we talked about plans and life in general.

we are all in a phase where we're torn between acting like an adult and being a kid. it was all so overwhelming. it seemed like only yesterday that we were running around campus playing agawan base and now, in a span of one year, most of us are going to graduate, get a job, maybe go abroad. responsibilities are getting bigger and heavier. priorities are being reshuffled, POVs are changed. but, as my best bud arbyn remarked, one thing remains constant: i still havent found THE ONE. (i will make another entry on changes.. )

yup. ive never had a boyfriend. and i dont think ill be having one any time soon. i remember my boybuds betting their lives that i wont find the man of my dreams. i HAD a very high standard back then. mala-pari according to ganch, maybe even surpassing that level. i wanted someone better than perfect. someone everybody would love. i was that stupid in highschool.

i remember rejecting boys the moment they asked if they could court me. i didnt want people wasting their time on me, knowing that they wont get anything from me. its not that i didnt like them. its just that i didnt want to hurt them, because i thought they wouldnt reach the standard i set. the man i was looking for was above all of them, and i knew i wouldnt find him in my school. people from school, i thought, were kids. very stupid.

then i got myself into a serious boy-trouble that ended with me hating every basketball jersey-wearing humans. i became a man-hater, just as i entered college. perfect timing, since my mom used to tell me that people usually meet their lifetime partners in college. great.

i thought everybody in my college were jerks. ok, so i met a few good men, but the damage done to me of that experience was irreversible. nobody will ever be good enough. all the boys i met had "cheaters" written all over their faces. when a guy makes even the slightest move, i jump and ran away. i "hybernated", retrieved myself from all social occasions involving the opposite sex. i had friends, but that was it. no more. or i bite.

and then in junior year, i met him. he wasnt very special. i didnt even notice him at first. he was the new guy- that was the extent of his existence in my life, i couldnt even consider him a friend. an acquiantance maybe.

a lot of my blockmates really went all over him. he was nice. and polite. and kind of funny. but he wasnt my type. he didnt even reach half of the standard i once set for my dream guy.had i met him in highschool, i would've been the fist to make fun of him.

and then, i dont know what happened exactly, but i just found myself looking his way more frequently. i wanted to get near him, talk to him, if the opportunity permits. i wanted him to notice me. i could say he did notice me. for a time, i guess.

but heres the catch: once i realize i like somebody, i choke. and i did just that. i choked, and then avoided him. i was pathetic. im such a loser.

but, due to unavoidable circumstances (which were in favor of yours truly), during the last month of that school year, we've gotten pretty close. not close "close", but enough to stop avoiding him, though i still choke.

to cut the story short, he reinforced my generalization about men. we didnt end up together, as a matter of fact i doubt it that he feels the same way i do. but what he did, how he treated me - so unlike the previous guys i met - his funny, unassuming, friendly manner, it made a huge impact on me. that there are still worthy men out there just waiting for nice girls like me (i hope).

most of all, he made me realize - even if he was unaware of it - how stupid it was to set standards. that the perfect guy i was looking for exist only in my dreams, in the realms of my imagination. and even if he does exist in reality, who knows we'd get along? im not perfect myself, how would i expect somebody pefect to like me?

he made me wake up to the reality that, sometimes, people fall for the person they least expected, at the most unexpected situation. i once told a friend i wont be falling for another guy ever. i guess i spoke too soon.

this story does not have a fairytale ending. i didnt get the prince. (he wasnt charming enough :P kidding) he just didnt feel the same. and i think i may have even made a fool of myself once or twice. it wasnt all happy happy joy joy. but i am, however, thankful that i met this guy. if it wasnt for him, id still be the bitter, man hater feminist. id still be ranting and writing about how men are fucking jerks and all the crap i used to do. and i guess the male population should thank him as well, because another nice girl's up in the market. :P

HaZeLeYe_LoVeL @ Saturday, November 03, 2007
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Sunday, June 24, 2007

panalo ka na

buong buhay ko puro responsibilidd na. yung responsibilidad na dapat kay kuya lahat pinasa niyo sa kin. paglilinis ng bahay, pagluluto, pabubunot ng damo, pamamalengke, pagayos ng ilaw, pagbantay sa bahay pagbantay sa kanila paglabas ng basura. pagpapaaral sa kaniya, pagbayad sa kuryente, at kung ano ano pang bayarin. lahat na sakin na. hindi ako perpekto, tamad din ako. madame din ako kasalanan. d ko rin nagagawa lahat yan araw araw.

best section ako mula elementary. kung ano anong contest sinalihan ko para ipagmayabang mo yung napanalunan ko sa mga kaibigan mo. lahat ng pwedeng takbuhan para maging officer tinakbuhan ko lahat ng pede salihan sinalihan ko. hanggang college yan. pumalya man ako magka incomplete naraos ko din. sinalihan ko lahat ng contest, kung ano anong awarding ceremony pinuntahan mo dahil sakin. kung ano ano pinagmayabang mo. dalawang graduation inattendan mo, parehong sakin, pati ung pinaka mataas na award na binibigay sa skul binigay ko sayo. lahat ginawa ko.

nung siya nangarap ng bagay na alam nating lahat hindi naman natin kaya, umiyak lang siya naawa ka na. binigay mo. kahit alam mo ung hirap na dadanasin natin. siya lng naman mabaet sa yo eh. sya lang ung magaling. siya lang ugn bida. siya lng nmn kase anak mo eh.

tapos ako ung pangarap ko na makapagtrabaho sa gusto ko at mahal ko. ano sagot mo sakin? ano salita mo sakin? "kung hihintayin mo pa yang pangarap mo walang mangyayari satin.". PUTANGINA.

tinrabaho ko lahat kase gusto ko matupad yung pangarap kong yun. pero dahil responsibilidad ko magpaaral at mabayad tinanggap ko na rin ung unang trabaho na nandyan. wala nmn ako magagwa eh. walang mangyayari satin kung hihintayin ko yung putanginang pangarap ko d b?

galit ako. hindi ko gusto tong ginagawa ko. wala kong ibang outlet para ilabas sama ng loob ko. sinasabi mo hindi mo ko pinilit dito? eh ano bang salita mo? ano ba pinagduduldulan mo sa mukha ko? na nakatengga lang ako dito sa bahay. na ung anak mo walang pambayad sa mga bayarin niya jan sa pagkatayog tayog niyang pangarap, na kahit naman sa trabaho kong to eh hindi rin naman natin kaya.

kelan lang for interview ako sa isang trabaho na gusto ko. kelan lang din for ionterview din ako sa opisina na pinapangarap ko. tinanggihan ko. bket? kse hindi rin nmn sigurado kung matutupad yung putanginang pangarap ko eh. bchaka nandito na tong una eh.

tapos magagalit ka kse "sinusupladahan" kita? nagagalit ka kase pagtinatanong mo ko kung anong nangyayari sa opisina ang sagot ko wala? eh kase wala. kse ayoko ng ginagawa ko dun. I DONT FUCKING LIKE IT BUT I DO IT, ANYWAY. WHY? BECAUSE I FUCKING HAVE TO. HAVE TO. NOT WANT TO. NOT LOVE TO. EH ANO BA NAMAN KASE YUNG PUTANGINANG PANGARAP KO SA PUTANGINANG PANGARAP NG ANAK NIYO DB? WALANG MANGYAYARI SATIN PAG HINITAY KO MATUPAD YUNG PANGARAP KO. KAHIT MAY TUMAWAG NA. TINANGGIHAN KO KSE MINAMADALI MO KO. PINALAGPAS KO NA YUNG CHANCE NA MATUPAD YUNG PANGARAP KO.

kaya sorry ha. kung sinusupladahan kita. sorry kung pabigat ako at kung problema ako sayo simula't sapol. sorry. kse lagi ko inuuna sarili ko eh. palamunin kase ako eh. irresponsable. walang utang na loob. walang kwenta. putangina kase tong ginawa ko eh. dapat d na lang ako nagaral mabuti eh. ikaw kase palaging panalo. oo palpak din ako. at oo galit din ako. hindi ko gusto to. galit ako sayo. sinisisi kita. kse kaya ako nandito dahil sa pagaaral nung anak mo eh. pasensya na. dalawang chansa sa pangarap ko yung lumagpas. ok lang kahit d na matupad yung pangarap ko, matupad lang yung sa anak mo. ano ba nmn yung pangarap ko db?

tinanatanong mo kanina kung may gusto ako sabihin sayo? eto un. gustong gusto ko na magsalita. pero hindi ko ginawa. kse alam ko masasaktan ka lang. at gagawa ka n nmn ng paraan para ibalik sakin lahat to. gustong gusto ko na isumbat lahat to sayo. pero d ko ginawa. kse nirerespeto kita.

panalo ka naman. magsaya ka na.

HaZeLeYe_LoVeL @ Sunday, June 24, 2007
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Thursday, May 24, 2007

loser

am such a loser. :'(

HaZeLeYe_LoVeL @ Thursday, May 24, 2007
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Saturday, March 24, 2007

dates

i have a shooting on monday

i will start work somewhere on tuesday

i will graduate on wednesday

my aduk peeps will be sleeping over at my place on thursday

my brother is graduating on friday

i will be graduating (again) on saturday

my dad came home this morning

and i cut my hair really short tonight. ahahaha.

HaZeLeYe_LoVeL @ Saturday, March 24, 2007
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Saturday, March 17, 2007

graduates

usapang dj at lovel habang nasa jeep pauwi galing airlink college

dj: shit ayaw ko pa grumaduate

lovel: .....

dj: ikaw gusto mo na grumaduate?

lovel: ayaw

dj: halos lahat ng fourth year ngaun nagsisisi kung bket d nila ginawa lahat nung highschool. kahit ako. nagsisisi talaga ako

lovel (reminiscing chighschool): oo nga. pero kahit ngaung college eh.. nakakahinayang

dj at lovel : (buntong hininga)

haaaayyy..

HaZeLeYe_LoVeL @ Saturday, March 17, 2007
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Sunday, March 11, 2007

this too shall pass

and it has!!!

nagpass na xa. lahat. thesis, school, adukasyon, my gadam lablayp, ano pa?

ahahaha. ok ang thesis, ok ang school, ok din aduk, sablay ang lablayp. ahahaha. aw gawd.

ahahah. at this point, i cant do anything but laugh. really. ahhah. shax. pumapanget lng ako sa kakaisip eh. nasasayang oras kakaasa. andame2 naghihintay. ahahah. right.

HaZeLeYe_LoVeL @ Sunday, March 11, 2007
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Wednesday, February 28, 2007

the all new update!!!

lookie here! last update was christmas (i think?) was i busy or what?)

finally have time to update, but i wont be giving a detailed version of my life from last update to date. hehehe. that would take me more than a day. anyhoosh. yeah.

i had my defense-finally!-last feb 22. God, gideon nacario sucks big time! hate hate hate! 2 of the 3 jurors liked my thesis, hell, they didnt even ask questions but had some minor comments. but this one guy just cant seem to shut up. gawd. but, all's good, so cant complain. :P

watels? ahmm.. got a scholarship from the Advertising Board of the Philippines (yay!!!) big time agencies are handling the workshops and seminars. galing talaga. lahat ng kasali magaling, wala kang itatapong idea.. bilib!

issues sa school. the dress code. the rampant propagandas and vandalisms, umabot pa sa dapitan! kewlness. pero labo nmn talaga eh. bulok sistema cfad! mula ulo hanggang paa! mula june hanggang march!!! labo niyo!!

nagmodel for fashion show. anlala. never gonna happen again!!!!

but i love the dress. akin na un joa!!

im in cavite, and pauline's here with me. first college friend to come here. kewl.

would be wearing amethyst-colored contacts soon... :P

will be experiencing my first bar night on saturday. awgawd.

saisaki!!!! should i say more??

lots of things happened pa. pero, cant remember it all.

ayoko pa grumaduate. i'll miss mg! :'( walang kalimutan, nyeta!

my iba na siya. iyak ka dun?

un lng.

HaZeLeYe_LoVeL @ Wednesday, February 28, 2007
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About Me

HaZeLeYe_LoVeL
December 16th 1986 (Age 22)
Female
Philippines

si BORA at si LOVEL ay iisa.

A struggling fine arts student from the University of Santo Tomas ( GRADUATE NA!!!! ). Always trying to avoid getting into to trouble, but fails to do so (half the time she isnt even aware she's already in trouble). A bundle of contradictions. Says one thing and does the other. One moment, she's this, the next, is not. Complicates the simple things in life. Does not know what she really wants 85% of the time.Is easy to please but is very hard to impress. aims to be the nicest person on earth, and then realizes she isnt up for the title - there's just too many backstabbers and pretenders to hate.

Loves walking under the rain at night. Loves staring up the nightsky while walking, kaya laging natatalisod (she is flatfooted) Loves travelling. Adores lights and fire (all sort). Collects flashlights (that gets broken after two days). Considers herself a bookworm, a crap-writer, a crappier talker, a struglling artist, a photographer extraordinaire (or so she thinks), a basic musician (jack of all trades, master of none), a statue dancer, an inactive activist, a real dreamer and a very miserable liar.

Dances even without music. Sings in the wrong tune. Does not mix the spaghetti sauce with the pasta. Drinks from a soda cup using five straws (minimum) all stuck in her mouth. Insomniac. Could gain 5lbs overnight (ask her friends). Has a dog named Allan Lopez, a cat named Pusa and 2 pairs of lovebirds, all named Lovebirds.

Hates going to the mall. Hates posers and wannabes. Hates liars and airheads. Hates people who thinks they're funny (especially if they are not). Loathes frogs and Usher. Is afraid of Bjork and Mahal.

A child of the 80's and 90's. Believes in the second-coming of the Eraserheads. Thinks Liam Gallagher (Oasis) and Dolores O'Riordan Burton (Cranberries) should hook up. Hails Chris Martin (Coldplay). Wishes to own all three albums of coldplay.

edit: Erase the last paragraph and replace with: Is in love with Bloc Party drummer Matt Tong and plans to one day go to United Kingdom, stalk him and eventually be Mrs. Tong. (why are brit rockers so hot???)

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DISCLAIMER
This is LOVEL's personal site, meaning she writes what she thinks (and the things that she thinks about are mostly angst-filled and full of crap). There WILL be times that she will write stuff (things, people, places, etc..) that SOME people may contradict. it may be quite offending, even infuriating. If, in any case, the reader might come across an article that pissed them off, the author has only this to say: BAHALA KA SA BUHAY MO! I DID NOT ASK YOU TO READ MY CRAP!! serves you right, filthy scums of the earth!! hahahaha! apir mga tsong!

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